Failing on Failing

 Sometimes a day is just forcing yourself to take the next step for ten hours. This writing feels like that already.  It is a discipline to do it when you don’t desire the action.  It is then that resolve and dedication to the concept is explored.

I almost didn’t write today.  I thought about how I might feel and what I might have to write tomorrow. And that, then gave me a nugget to write around today.  And since I had that topic, the topic of failure, I couldn’t weasel out of writing today.

Failure is something that happens to everyone at some point.  This concept, for example, is failing now.  I don’t have anything insightful to say about failure.  I have feared failure my whole life.  I had a number of early childhood successes, at least in my mind, and when I did have to face failure, I created a built in excuse:  I could have done it, but I didn’t want to.  I could have spent more time, or effort, or attention and been a success.  

At 42, have I dissuaded myself of that self-protective delusion that I am not unsuccessful at things, but I am an unmanifest success?  I think so, and I think that writing this shows that might be true.  If I had failed, it would have been because I made the choice to do something despite a real suspicion that I will eventually fail.  But maybe I am just lying to me, I trust me so easily.  I will fail and make the excuse that this moment, when I wrote when I didn’t want to, is proof that I could have easily succeeded if I chose to act like I am now.

But it is a choice, not at state of being.  Success and failure are just made up categories.  

And that concept petered out well short of the one page goal.

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Being honest makes you vulnerable.  In a social ecosystem where people amass social capital like dragons do gold, keeping some secrets secreted away is only a rational act of self preservation.  But it is the honesty that we all need.

Communication requires vulnerability.  You must open yourself to the risk of attack to allow new information into your cognitive space.  We see the benefit in small, discrete relationships, but never with the whole of our world.  We need to communicate to be vulnerable and be vulnerable to be honest.  Without limit, without concern.  But it is an all or nothing prospect.  

Does that mean something?